all you want to see is make believe

I have a love-hate relationship with days like these.

It's not like I'm eagerly waiting for things like this to happen, but when it does, it keeps me on such a giddy high for the entire time it's happening. But when the day is over and nothing's changed, it just feels as if I've been sucked deeper into this state of limbo. And the worst part of it all is that I don't want to get out of it. I wish that I do, but I don't.

So here I am, stuck, sinking deeper, and not wanting out.

I think the phrase we're looking for here is "self-destructive".