all you want to see is make believe

There are those days when it seems everything's going just perfectly and smooth-sailing and all you feel like doing at the end of it is smile to yourself for a good day's work.

Then there's those days where a million things happen at once and leaves you feeling so damn tired at the end of it, you just want to crash on your bed.

Sad to say there's been more crappy than good days of late. Granted, a good portion of what puts the crappy in day happens inadvertently, where one can only say "These things do happen." Just, y'know, they seem to be happening a lot.

But I'm also well aware that some of it is my own personal blurness, for lack of a more appropriate word. I'm generally rather forgetful, which explains why I seem to have bits of paper and a pen everywhere I go these days.

(And also proves that getting an iPhone is perfect for me because I currently have so many notes and calendar reminders on mine, it's like I've had it for a year instead of just a week.)

This pathetic flaw of mine often results in me going "Oh. Shit." a few times through the day. Mostly it's the little things which usually I can make up for easily enough. But lately there's been a couple of big "Oh. SHIT!!" moments which leaves me feeling rather incompetent at the end of the day.

And I think this feels worse than when I screwed up in the past, because what I do actually matters to me now. Not that I didn't work hard in the past, but back then most of it was just rote and duty, working hard because that's what I had to do. Now, I feel...invested, I suppose? I want to work hard not just as a matter of course, but because I really want to do well and prove something. To myself and to the people around me.

Which is probably why I'm taking things a lot harder than I used to. Like when I have an "Oh. Shit!" day, it's not just professional incompetence I feel; there's also a sort of emotionally battered feeling. Somehow I'll end up thinking to myself "Right. That was really stupid of you."

Then again, maybe I'm just exhausted.

Christmas break has never sounded so good to me before.