what a difference a year makes.

I was going through my old emails when I stumbled on a short write-up I did for Van about work. It was written exactly a year ago in April 2010, back when we were just opening. Reading it now almost feels like someone else wrote it. I can barely recognize that idealistic, hopeful, happy person who wrote that. It actually startled me to realize how much I've changed in a year. I can look back and see how I've grown into my job, and the confidence I have now that I was lacking then. It's actually mildly amusing to realize a whole team of company managers have been hired to do what the stage managers were doing for the better part of a year in addition to our own workload.

On the flip side, it's become entirely too clear how jaded and cynical I've become. I used to try to be understanding and sympathetic to situations. These days I just feel too damn tired to bother going the extra mile, especially when all the effort is on my part and no one else gives a crap. I have less patience with whiners - well, with anyone really. I'm at the point where I'm too tired and too drained to care anymore. And it honestly doesn't help to get bitchy complaints or snarky comments on a freaking daily basis.

That's actually the one thing I've really grown to hate about my job. Having to be the diplomatic peacemaker that brokers deals and strokes egos. It's such a lie, and it's everyday and everything I do. Even if it's something as simple as answering a phone call. We can look at our caller ID and grumble, "Shit, not again, what now", but when we answer the call, we say "Hello!" with a disposition as sunny as a Hawaiian beach. And the time between "Shit" and "Hello" is literally a split second. See me answer a work call and you'll know how fast I can paste on the Friendly Neighbourhood Stage Manager face. It's so exhausting to constantly have to stick this face on and not snap. I can already see the cracks in the mask when my impatience or frustration slips through, and I have to struggle to pull it back in. But I'd rather have that momentary struggle than to totally lose my shit, then spend even more time on damage control.

Honestly, I just want a break. A few days away where I can just be myself, do whatever the hell I want, and not have to care about how someone else thinks or feels. I can't believe how difficult it is for me to get two straight days off from work. Come to think of it, I can't even remember the last time I had an off day that was completely work-free. As in, no texts, no calls, no urgent emails which require an immediate response or the sky will fall. Or if the day will come when I actually run out of leave. No, seriously, I have worked so many extra days I actually have 50+ days of leave to clear. I could take close to 3 months of vacation with that leave, except I don't even have the time to take an extra day off a week.

I really want to stop being cranky and tired and burned out all the time. Sighs. If only I could be April 2010 me again.