what a difference a year makes.

I was going through my old emails when I stumbled on a short write-up I did for Van about work. It was written exactly a year ago in April 2010, back when we were just opening. Reading it now almost feels like someone else wrote it. I can barely recognize that idealistic, hopeful, happy person who wrote that. It actually startled me to realize how much I've changed in a year. I can look back and see how I've grown into my job, and the confidence I have now that I was lacking then. It's actually mildly amusing to realize a whole team of company managers have been hired to do what the stage managers were doing for the better part of a year in addition to our own workload.

On the flip side, it's become entirely too clear how jaded and cynical I've become. I used to try to be understanding and sympathetic to situations. These days I just feel too damn tired to bother going the extra mile, especially when all the effort is on my part and no one else gives a crap. I have less patience with whiners - well, with anyone really. I'm at the point where I'm too tired and too drained to care anymore. And it honestly doesn't help to get bitchy complaints or snarky comments on a freaking daily basis.

That's actually the one thing I've really grown to hate about my job. Having to be the diplomatic peacemaker that brokers deals and strokes egos. It's such a lie, and it's everyday and everything I do. Even if it's something as simple as answering a phone call. We can look at our caller ID and grumble, "Shit, not again, what now", but when we answer the call, we say "Hello!" with a disposition as sunny as a Hawaiian beach. And the time between "Shit" and "Hello" is literally a split second. See me answer a work call and you'll know how fast I can paste on the Friendly Neighbourhood Stage Manager face. It's so exhausting to constantly have to stick this face on and not snap. I can already see the cracks in the mask when my impatience or frustration slips through, and I have to struggle to pull it back in. But I'd rather have that momentary struggle than to totally lose my shit, then spend even more time on damage control.

Honestly, I just want a break. A few days away where I can just be myself, do whatever the hell I want, and not have to care about how someone else thinks or feels. I can't believe how difficult it is for me to get two straight days off from work. Come to think of it, I can't even remember the last time I had an off day that was completely work-free. As in, no texts, no calls, no urgent emails which require an immediate response or the sky will fall. Or if the day will come when I actually run out of leave. No, seriously, I have worked so many extra days I actually have 50+ days of leave to clear. I could take close to 3 months of vacation with that leave, except I don't even have the time to take an extra day off a week.

I really want to stop being cranky and tired and burned out all the time. Sighs. If only I could be April 2010 me again.

i'm steadily being driven insane.

I don't know if I'm being a perfectionist and demanding too much of others, or if people around me are just so fucking lazy. Seriously.

Does it take so much effort to keep track of paperwork? Maybe if you weren't playing games on facebook every fucking day you might be able to, oh I don't know, do your goddamn job?? And incidentally, going on holiday without handing over your work to us is just PERFECT. Because now when we need to know what's been done, we have to ask everyone to help us out and look like perfect morons doing it. So, thanks. Working with you is a SWELL experience.

And let's all be as considerate as you. Just gabbing non-stop while I'm desperately rushing to finish up my work. At 7 freaking pm. I know you want to go home. Just GO already so I can actually do my work in peace.

Good god. Just kill me now why don't you.

So falls the first of us.

I wondered when it would happen, because let's face it, burning out is almost inevitable. I've even had my moments.

But it's still a jolt.

A part of me wishes you'll choose to stay because somehow it feels like you'll be the first of the rest of us, a sad portent of things to come. But I do know things haven't been great for you of late. I suppose at the end of it all, I hope that whatever you decide, it's a choice that gives you all the happiness and lightness you deserve.

Now that my 6am call time thing is winding down to two days a week instead of six, it occurs to me that I should probably get off my ass and stop this hermit-like behaviour. Right. Time to meet up with me now people! Before I lose this spark and withdraw back into my hermity ways. Hahaha.

The days have gotten longer and the nights shorter.

Am literally sick, sniffling my life away and chewing/sucking all sorts of lozenges, in the hopes that I can get rid of this sore throat and flu with sheer force of will. Going to the doctors is pretty useless at this point, because he's just gonna give me meds that I'm already taking, and an MC that I can't use.

I am in desperate need of new sneaks. My black Levis are battered and sad and very very worn out. Unfortunately, I have no time to buy new sneakers. Also, my inner bimbo wants the cute gray plaid high-tops from Converse, which Vivo does not have.The one day I had a short 2 hours to drop by Suntec and get my sneakers, I discover Converse in Suntec is no more. That was a rather WTF moment for me.

I've only had one Saturday off since the 11th of January, and I'm pretty sure that's all the off days I'm going to get from now till February.

And yet, strangely enough, despite it all, I can still look around me and think what an awesome place I work in. Despite it all, I can still find the fun in the day.

Who knew? :)

It occurs to me that nothing has exemplified the difference between where I was and where I am like today.
And all I can say is, thank all the gods and heavens for this. :)

So. It's been three weeks.
Have to say, it's been good. :)

pomp and circumstance

I graduated today!
And here's something to herald Convocation :)
(Also because I think the BBC Proms '08 Last Night conductor and audience are just adorably lovely)


And for all the non-classical music people - ♫ http://twt.fm/222517

updates

Introducing my new internet addictions:
- The Penny Arcade Comics by Mike Krahulik and Jerry Holkins. Absolutely love their tongue-in-cheek snarky comments on all things techy, geeky and nerdy.
- Someecards for the words you've always wanted to say, but simply couldn't.
- And, of course, YouTubing the previously mentioned absolutely fantabulously amazing PS22 Chorus.

In movie news, saw Angels and Demons, which wasn't as bad as I thought it would be (and certainly better than Da Vinci Code since I actually stayed awake all the way). Plus it has Tom Hanks and Ewan McGregor and music by Hans Zimmer, so yay.

There's apparently going to be a Toy Story 3, which is weird on so many levels. Also, seriously can NOT wait to see Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law as Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson. And finally, Yesterday Was A Lie looks like a super cool modern-day noir film, and I will probably have to stalk Borders/Gramaphone/HMV for its DVD since I doubt Singapore would show such a cool indie film.

In related news, Two Steps From Hell is apparently the composers behind the music for the Star Trek and Up trailers among others. That's a pretty cool gig.

And as we move into the month of June (aka the all-out shoot month), my life as I know it dips from miniscule to nonexistent, so this blog will probably be less updated (though it wasn't even very updated to begin with). However, having discovered TweetSG and the wonders of text-Tweeting, my Twitter will probably see more action.

(Speaking of, Jeffrey Donovan just tweeted that Burn Notice returns in a week! Yay!)

Just finished reading Mike Gayle's Life Of The Party which was both sad and awesome, while listening to my superawesomesupercoolsuperfab limited edition of Jason Mraz's We Sing, We Dance, We Steal Things CD (more here). Am now off to watch Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist since it's due in three days. Ta.

familiarity

It just occurred to me that the month of May has been a sorta deja vu month.

There's the familiarity of being back at work a year after leaving, where flashes from 17 months ago suddenly hit you with an odd sense of surreality. And the fact that there are so many familiar faces around (albeit no longer under a factually pressuring thumb) just adds to it all. It's actually been pretty fun with the catching up and the bitching (naturally).

Of course, since the crunch period's starting, I think we'll soon forget the meaning of "fun" and just fervently wish for a good night's rest. Which kinda brings on yet another not-so-bright-and-happy familiarity in itself. But I suppose that's how it goes.

And then there's been this past weekend of hanging out with old pals. It's been awhile since we've all gotten together to just hang out. And, of course, being us, we have all sorts of hilarious moments like speeding to catch Star Trek (whee!), driving down a creepy dark road, and scouring the streets of Changi V. But then there were the pleasantly familiar moments like doing drinks at Wala's, studying/reading at a coffee place, and (of course) JAMMING. Innocence Again, no less (with little sidetrips into Zephyr).

It's really nice to know that despite no longer having daily updates (or even the specific details) of each other's lives, we can still pick up where we left off, singing the same song as if no time has passed at all :)

the post-exam post-uni update

So. Am officially done with school (for the forseeable future anyway).
Feels kinda nondescript. Might be due to the lack of sleep from mugging like a maniac into the wee hours of the past five nights. Hm.

On the bright side, am starting to catch up with all my shows again:
Chuck as usual, was hilariously fabulous, with Chuck vs. the Colonel giving one hell of a game-changing twist that just ROCKS. How can NBC even think of cancelling it for Jay Leno. Tsk.

Brothers & Sisters was SO funny. I was just cracking up throughout the ep S3X. Especially in all the scenes that had Kevin and/or Sarah. Such excellent comedic timing from Matthew Rhys and Rachel Griffiths. Also a couple of surprises over with Nora and, er, someone. On the serious side, the drama thickens with Kitty and Robert (sighs.), and with Ryan (the seedy, shady boy. tsk. am not liking him.), while Tommy's story is resolved.

Life served a gripping season finale. One tied up one loose end out of the many conspiracy threads of Charlie Crewes, but opened up a whole new can of worms with just one encounter. I will be very upset if this gets cancelled too. What is with NBC's sudden new passion for Jay Leno?! Gee whiz.

Pushing Daisies returns (at last!) with another fabulous eppy, Window Dressed To Kill. Lots of Ned and Olive bits, interspersed with cute Chuck and Emerson bits, before popping a WHAT?-moment at the end, all with a dash of colourful panache and intelligently quirky humour. Sighs. Can't believe ABC canned the genius of PD.

Actually, can't believe how many excellent shows are getting scrapped while strange ones are sticking around. What is with the American audience. Tsk.

In other news, the photo blog is up at The Pictorial Life.

Okay. Caught up on top shows? Check. Twittered for the day? Check. Blog post done? Check.

And am now going to crash. Ta.

Filament 2009

So here's the magnum opus of the Electronic and Broadcast Media students of WKWSCI (aka what we've all been slogging over for the last year or so):That's right, folks. This is our FYP showcase, which will be held at the Singapore Art Museum on 27th and 28th April from 7:30pm. For more information, click here :)

The deadline is in two days. Two fucking days.
And you're feeling too lazy to do the work?
FYI, it takes this little thing called time to print everything too. So unless you can print it out of your ass in five seconds, how about you go fuck yourself.

regression

TV Studies seems to be all about the old school. Seriously. I think the most recent show we've seen in class this whole sem was 24, and it wasn't even a recent episode. It was the pilot from 2001.

Don't get me wrong, I like most of the shows we see. Like Six Feet Under (absolutely adore Peter Krause). And Paddy Chayefsky's Network (referenced in the pilot of Studio 60). And I got to re-live ER during the George Clooney (and vastly younger Noah Wyle) days. Plus we got to see Twin Peaks, which I've been trying to find on DVD for ages.

Once in awhile, though, we get the occasional cheese factor with shows like The Cosby Show. I thought Cosby was gonna be it for cheese for the class.

And then today happened.

First, we saw a snippet of Marilyn Monroe doing "Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend" in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. That was just fine by me since I adore movies from that era.

And then we went through Madonna's Immaculate Collection of music videos where she pays homage to Marilyn with "Material Girl", purrs about the purity of being "Like A Virgin", and dances about in bondage-like leather in "Open Your Heart".

I thought I'd stepped in a time warp black hole and got sucked back into the eighties.

After doing a rather bizarre analysis of Madonna's various videos, I hoped we'd move on to other more contemporary shows. Instead, we regressed further with Captain Kirk and Spock.

That's right, folks. Star Trek, the original from 1967. I bet all the Trekkies out there are weeping with pleasure.

Despite the extremely high cheese quotient, it was pretty novel to see William Shatner in his very (very) young Capt Kirk persona, especially since I only remember him as the outrageous Denny Crane in Boston Legal. And all covered in Furby-like Tribbles.

The mind just boggles.

Seriously. Shouldn't we be studying current shows? Like How I Met Your Mother. Or Heroes (even though season 3's been rather rubbishy.) Or Studio 60. Or The West Wing. Seriously. Sorkin shows have tons of formalist analysis stuff.

I mean, really. Is it that hard to study TV trends in shows that came out, oh, say, within the last three years?

my bruises have bruises

And here we go into our FYP long-haul week. Which, really, is actually two weeks since we started a couple days ago and won't actually have a break till Christmas Eve, so here's hoping we survive. As it is, I'm pretty battered and bruised all over from moving and building stuff for our set. But everything started coming together today and it's looking promising :) Pretty excited to get into the shoot itself. Fingers crossed everything goes smoothly (or as smooth as any shoot can go)!

In other news, Twilight, the second movie on my December movie list opens on the 18th. I caught Bolt on opening day (which was Dec Movie #1) so here's hoping I'll be able to keep up some semblance of that with an opening weekend viewing. And follow up with watching The Spirit and Australia on their opening weekends. That is, if I'm not dead from exhaustion. Hah. Oh and speaking of Christmas. Need to do Christmas shopping!! Crap. Too many things, too little time.

So I'm thinking I probably won't have any energy to post for awhile, so until then, Merry/Happy* Christmas to one and all! Have a yummerlicious turkey time before we head straight on to the countdown to 2009 (arriving a second later this year, incidentally). Ta!

*Delete accordingly

Happiness is...

...hearing your performance cert examiner tell you he enjoyed your performance and that you should consider taking the teaching cert!! Joy of joys!!

Although, not to jinx it, I will bear in mind that he said it was not without criticisms. But here's hoping I did decently enough to pull up my rather shitty theory exam experience and pass overall *big ratatouille beams*

And now to sink into the black hole of despair that is studying for finals. Sighs.

Two down, three to go.

Twilight Trailer 3 :)

The third and final Twilight trailer is out!! Beams. Here's hoping it'll be released in Singapore on November 21st too so I can charge straight out from the exam hall to the cinema and indulge :) Or at least, catch the sneaks on the 20th, which is my last day of finals!

Okay, I do grasp the concept of having to get to the 20th first. Although right now, it's more of getting past next week with my speech and drama theory exam on Monday, my management report due on Tuesday, and my pop cinema paper due Wednesday. Plus an FYP meeting, which means I'll need to finalize the proposal for the SFC grant too.

Right. Next week is so gonna suck. Hence, the savouring of the third Twilight trailer to tide me over.

To say the least, I'm pretty screwed for the midterm.
Oh wells. Good thing for the midterm break. Shall use it to forget about It.
Glug glug woo hoo!

gah.

Am slowly going insane with media law. There are too many laws and acts and defenses and arguments and conditions and criteria and wayyy too many variables that can turn any argument around.

And all this for my 40% midterm tomorrow.

Sighs. Seriously. Kill me now.

the first day

So. You would think that after a fabulous music high like Singfest, I'd be floating in the clouds of beautiful tunes for awhile. Well, let me tell you there is nothing that crashes a person down to earth faster than the first day of school. And a Media Law lecture that terrifies you with its workload. And a Narrative Film and TV lecture that makes you feel like shooting yourself now and be done with it.

And the fact that it's the first day of my final year just makes things that much more nerve-wracking.

Please, can I stop growing up now?