4:52

Seriously. I'm tired of being mad and sad all the time. I keep telling myself that I've done what I can, and that there are things out of my control, so I just need to accept, adapt, and carry on. But everyday is starting to feel like another battle in the perpetual war that has become my life. Somehow it feels like I just can't seem to ever catch a break from anyone or anything. We've been playing the catch-up game for over a year now. Why doesn't this ever stop? I'm sick and tired of trying to get the people around me to pull their weight. If you can't do it, then stop pretending you can. I admit that I've got a streak of perfectionism in me. I like things done fast, but I like them done right. So call me anal retentive or obsessive compulsive, but if you're not gonna do things properly, then I will damn well do it. It's my ass on the line too. Don't lie to my face and act as if you're doing a shitload of things. Take my plate and let's see if you can handle it. I'm thisclose to simply dusting my hands off and walking away without a care in the world just to see what's the aftermath.

And on the other side of my life, I'm so freaking tired of being the one who always has to be strong, the one who's always there. I always filter and edit the things I say because, let's face it, you're simply not strong enough to handle me. Sometimes I wish I could be brutally honest and tell you what I think. But even though I'm a bitch and a half, I don't like being mean. I just wish you'd realize one very simple truth: Your life isn't perfect, but neither is mine. Just for once could you give a damn about someone other than yourself. I've already said I'm pissed and tired. All I really want is someone to tell me it'll be okay. That I'm not alone. That someone gives a shit. Instead literally five seconds later you're talking about yourself and your life and how you feel. Do you honestly think I can listen to your problems when I'm trying to stop my own tears? I say I'm fine, it's okay because I know life isn't easy and I don't like to add on to yours. Sometimes I say it because I'm trying to convince myself it's true. But really, it's all lies. I'm not fine. It's not okay. I'm unhappy and angry and so fucking drained it's killing me slowly but surely.

I'm so tired of pasting a smile on my face every single day and pretending that I've got a handle of things when in reality I'm five seconds away from losing my shit. Honestly, I think I really have to learn to just stop expecting anything from anyone. Just shut down, stop caring, stop hoping it'll get better, stop expecting to see the best in people. At least I can cross constant disappointment off the list of things that make me sad and pissed off.

My constant respite these past few months where I haven't felt like crumbling is when I'm calling the lagoon show. Because for 4 minutes and 52 seconds, it's just me standing under the night sky watching pretty sparkly fireworks brighten up the dark in all sorts of shapes, sizes and colours. For 4 minutes and 52 seconds, the only thing I have to do is enjoy the thrill of seeing bright lights burst into glory, shine and shimmer and sparkle. And it gives me such a rush that even after the last spark has faded away, I can still smile and think, it's not so bad after all.

Of course, in the morning (or even just 10 minutes later), it all comes crashing back down to the ground. But at least I'll always have 4:52.

what a difference a year makes.

I was going through my old emails when I stumbled on a short write-up I did for Van about work. It was written exactly a year ago in April 2010, back when we were just opening. Reading it now almost feels like someone else wrote it. I can barely recognize that idealistic, hopeful, happy person who wrote that. It actually startled me to realize how much I've changed in a year. I can look back and see how I've grown into my job, and the confidence I have now that I was lacking then. It's actually mildly amusing to realize a whole team of company managers have been hired to do what the stage managers were doing for the better part of a year in addition to our own workload.

On the flip side, it's become entirely too clear how jaded and cynical I've become. I used to try to be understanding and sympathetic to situations. These days I just feel too damn tired to bother going the extra mile, especially when all the effort is on my part and no one else gives a crap. I have less patience with whiners - well, with anyone really. I'm at the point where I'm too tired and too drained to care anymore. And it honestly doesn't help to get bitchy complaints or snarky comments on a freaking daily basis.

That's actually the one thing I've really grown to hate about my job. Having to be the diplomatic peacemaker that brokers deals and strokes egos. It's such a lie, and it's everyday and everything I do. Even if it's something as simple as answering a phone call. We can look at our caller ID and grumble, "Shit, not again, what now", but when we answer the call, we say "Hello!" with a disposition as sunny as a Hawaiian beach. And the time between "Shit" and "Hello" is literally a split second. See me answer a work call and you'll know how fast I can paste on the Friendly Neighbourhood Stage Manager face. It's so exhausting to constantly have to stick this face on and not snap. I can already see the cracks in the mask when my impatience or frustration slips through, and I have to struggle to pull it back in. But I'd rather have that momentary struggle than to totally lose my shit, then spend even more time on damage control.

Honestly, I just want a break. A few days away where I can just be myself, do whatever the hell I want, and not have to care about how someone else thinks or feels. I can't believe how difficult it is for me to get two straight days off from work. Come to think of it, I can't even remember the last time I had an off day that was completely work-free. As in, no texts, no calls, no urgent emails which require an immediate response or the sky will fall. Or if the day will come when I actually run out of leave. No, seriously, I have worked so many extra days I actually have 50+ days of leave to clear. I could take close to 3 months of vacation with that leave, except I don't even have the time to take an extra day off a week.

I really want to stop being cranky and tired and burned out all the time. Sighs. If only I could be April 2010 me again.

I feel like I'm constantly playing with fire. Every time I touch the flame it burns hot and bright and I more than willingly fall in. But when the fire dies out and the burn fades, I can't help but wonder where this is going, and how long it'll last before we get to the point where there's no going back and all that's left is scattered ashes in the wind.

aftermath.

so what happens next?

okay seriously. you continually confuse me.

So falls the first of us.

I wondered when it would happen, because let's face it, burning out is almost inevitable. I've even had my moments.

But it's still a jolt.

A part of me wishes you'll choose to stay because somehow it feels like you'll be the first of the rest of us, a sad portent of things to come. But I do know things haven't been great for you of late. I suppose at the end of it all, I hope that whatever you decide, it's a choice that gives you all the happiness and lightness you deserve.

stating the obvious

My mother makes some really pointless statements sometimes. Case in point, I walked out of the bathroom after my shower, and my mom says: "Oh, you just showered?"

No, mother. I just came out halfway through my shower, fully clothed with a towel in my hair.

expectations.

I don't know why anyone ever has expectations anymore. It seems like the more expectations you have of people, the more likely they are to disappoint you.

Maybe the way to go is to just lower your expectations until you get to the point where you don't expect anything. At all.

Maybe that might make life just a little easier to bear, because if you don't expect anything, there's really nothing to be disappointed about because there's nothing there. There's no standard for people to fall below.

Maybe it's time to just accept that things are the way they are. People are who they are and expecting anything is just naive. And also because it's just getting too fucking tiring to be constantly disappointed.

Why is it every time I think you're saying something to me, you turn around and say something else that just makes me feel like an absolute moron? I mean, seriously.

Seriously. Why can't I just learn from this and just let go.

I don't know what is with today. Maybe it's the fact that even though I'm supposed to be off, I went to work at 630am because of some approval thing. And also for some reason everyone seems to think I'm working today because I've gotten countless calls and texts from work today. Maybe I'm just tired. I don't know what it is I'm even feeling really. Just kinda lost. With an inexplicable urge to shed some tears.

God. That's annoyingly pathetic.

You know what. I think I just need a break. Like a real one with no work shit, no family drama. Just a day of peace so I can pause and take a breath.

Sighs. Wonder when that day will come.

everything feels too distant.

I just spent a day off lounging about my house watching Psych. While I would like to rave about what a wickedly funny show it is (and it really is), right now all I'm feeling is just a little lonely. Which probably sounds incredibly pathetic.

Maybe I'm just tired from three days straight of 5am/6am calls, but there's a vague burned out feeling lingering. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of going back to work on off days. I'm tired of being too tired to meet up with any of my friends.

I had a plan to call up people to meet last night after work, especially since I ended at 3pm. But thanks to the 6am call, I was just too tired to bother. And that is becoming a habit that is starting to bother me.

I've never been the most sociable person. I'm always happier hanging out with one or two friends, or even just chilling out alone at home. I don't even know why I'm missing people today. Or I suppose more specifically, I miss friends. I miss the comfort of hanging out with people whom I've known for years (and vice versa), with whom there's no need for fillers. I guess I just miss not being too tired for friends.

This feels like I'm rambling. Sighs. I don't even know where my train of thought is going.

There are better words that could be used. More eloquent, more appropriate, less emotional words. But sometimes all it takes is some tears shed, some time alone and away from the world, to make things a little better.
And sometimes all you end up feeling is alone.

In the light of the sun
Is there anyone? Oh it has begun
Oh dear, you look so lost
Eyes are red and tears are shed
This world you must have crossed, you said

You don't know me and you don't even care
She said you don't know me and you don't wear my chains

Essential yet appealed
Carry all your thoughts across an open field
When the flowers gaze at you
They're not the only ones who cry when they see you

You don't know me and you don't even care
She said you don't know me and you don't wear my chains

She said I think I'll go to Boston
I think I'll start a new life
I think I'll start it over where no one knows my name
I'll get out of California
I'm tired of the weather
I think I'll get a lover
I'll fly them out to Spain

I think I'll go to Boston
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town to leave this all behind
I think I need a sunrise
I'm tired of the sunset
Hear it's nice in the summer
Some snow would be nice
In Boston where no one knows my name

Boston.
Augustana.

I miss you.

Feeling a little lost today.
Maybe it was the chat I had with work-bro a few days back that made me start thinking of the past and of things and life in general.
Maybe it's the fact that best friend came back and we slipped back so easily into our usual shorthand that I've really missed and now she's leaving in just a couple of days.
Maybe it's just that little things remind me of other things.
So here I am. Missing the past in a way that I really shouldn't.

Six days of emotional rollercoaster riding, along with possibly six thousand words spoken and countless more tears shed.
This is where words fail.

Please, God, just let the days get easier.

you left me stuck.
then i thought i was done.
then you came back oh so briefly.
then you left again.
so here i am.
stuck.
again.

Tell me the truth, don't ask me to lie
These are the things we say
You don't need proof and I'm not going to try
But I think we have lost our way

You don't own the sun and I can't raise the moon
So now as the darkness falls
Love is so hard won then over too soon
And another cruel ending calls

All I can do is turn now to you
Holding my hand to my heart
All that I know is I'm watching us grow
Closer and closer apart

Now all the king's horses and all the king's men
Wait for their clarion call
Pride hears its voices, and fear wins again
And there's nothing to break our fall

Over and over and over again
The world only spins one way
The past is a distant flicker by now
And a lesson for another day

Now my sad little boat floats on out to sea
And you're almost out of sight
I'll remember you
Please don't forget me
I whisper with all my might

All I can do is turn now to you
Holding my hand to my heart
All that I know is I'm watching us grow
All I can do is turn back to you
To wait with one hand on my heart
All that I know is it's so hard to go

closer and closer apart
mary chapin carpenter

Pure hearts stumble
In my hands they crumble
Fragile and stripped to the core
I can't hurt you anymore

Loved by numbers
You're losing life's wonder
Touch like strangers, detached
I can't feel you anymore

The sunshine trapped in our hearts
It could rise again
But I'm lost, crushed, cold and confused
With no guiding light left inside

You were my guiding light

When comfort and warmth can't be found I still reach for you
But I'm lost, crushed, cold and confused
With no guiding light left inside

You're my guiding light
You're my guiding light
When there's no guiding light left inside
When there's no guiding light in our lives.

guiding light
muse

I don't quite know how it happened, but I'd originally intended to blog (rave) about how awesome MUSE was on Wednesday, and bitch about the annoying opening bands, and of how it was so much fun screaming and singing and dancing with Fiona there, especially since it's been ages since we hung out.

Somehow my original intentions have faded with the realization that although it's been almost three months, I still can't quite seem to let go. This takes things to a level of stupidity that just bears voicing out.

Maybe I should have known better than to go back to where it all started, but somehow it just didn't process. I figured I'd moved past it all that it didn't matter. In fact, it didn't even register until I realized where I was going to.

Apparently my subconscious has a very poor sense of self-preservation.

So here I am, back in this insanity, this asinine loop, this this again.

God. Why can I never break things cleanly.

There are those days when it seems everything's going just perfectly and smooth-sailing and all you feel like doing at the end of it is smile to yourself for a good day's work.

Then there's those days where a million things happen at once and leaves you feeling so damn tired at the end of it, you just want to crash on your bed.

Sad to say there's been more crappy than good days of late. Granted, a good portion of what puts the crappy in day happens inadvertently, where one can only say "These things do happen." Just, y'know, they seem to be happening a lot.

But I'm also well aware that some of it is my own personal blurness, for lack of a more appropriate word. I'm generally rather forgetful, which explains why I seem to have bits of paper and a pen everywhere I go these days.

(And also proves that getting an iPhone is perfect for me because I currently have so many notes and calendar reminders on mine, it's like I've had it for a year instead of just a week.)

This pathetic flaw of mine often results in me going "Oh. Shit." a few times through the day. Mostly it's the little things which usually I can make up for easily enough. But lately there's been a couple of big "Oh. SHIT!!" moments which leaves me feeling rather incompetent at the end of the day.

And I think this feels worse than when I screwed up in the past, because what I do actually matters to me now. Not that I didn't work hard in the past, but back then most of it was just rote and duty, working hard because that's what I had to do. Now, I feel...invested, I suppose? I want to work hard not just as a matter of course, but because I really want to do well and prove something. To myself and to the people around me.

Which is probably why I'm taking things a lot harder than I used to. Like when I have an "Oh. Shit!" day, it's not just professional incompetence I feel; there's also a sort of emotionally battered feeling. Somehow I'll end up thinking to myself "Right. That was really stupid of you."

Then again, maybe I'm just exhausted.

Christmas break has never sounded so good to me before.