4:52

Seriously. I'm tired of being mad and sad all the time. I keep telling myself that I've done what I can, and that there are things out of my control, so I just need to accept, adapt, and carry on. But everyday is starting to feel like another battle in the perpetual war that has become my life. Somehow it feels like I just can't seem to ever catch a break from anyone or anything. We've been playing the catch-up game for over a year now. Why doesn't this ever stop? I'm sick and tired of trying to get the people around me to pull their weight. If you can't do it, then stop pretending you can. I admit that I've got a streak of perfectionism in me. I like things done fast, but I like them done right. So call me anal retentive or obsessive compulsive, but if you're not gonna do things properly, then I will damn well do it. It's my ass on the line too. Don't lie to my face and act as if you're doing a shitload of things. Take my plate and let's see if you can handle it. I'm thisclose to simply dusting my hands off and walking away without a care in the world just to see what's the aftermath.

And on the other side of my life, I'm so freaking tired of being the one who always has to be strong, the one who's always there. I always filter and edit the things I say because, let's face it, you're simply not strong enough to handle me. Sometimes I wish I could be brutally honest and tell you what I think. But even though I'm a bitch and a half, I don't like being mean. I just wish you'd realize one very simple truth: Your life isn't perfect, but neither is mine. Just for once could you give a damn about someone other than yourself. I've already said I'm pissed and tired. All I really want is someone to tell me it'll be okay. That I'm not alone. That someone gives a shit. Instead literally five seconds later you're talking about yourself and your life and how you feel. Do you honestly think I can listen to your problems when I'm trying to stop my own tears? I say I'm fine, it's okay because I know life isn't easy and I don't like to add on to yours. Sometimes I say it because I'm trying to convince myself it's true. But really, it's all lies. I'm not fine. It's not okay. I'm unhappy and angry and so fucking drained it's killing me slowly but surely.

I'm so tired of pasting a smile on my face every single day and pretending that I've got a handle of things when in reality I'm five seconds away from losing my shit. Honestly, I think I really have to learn to just stop expecting anything from anyone. Just shut down, stop caring, stop hoping it'll get better, stop expecting to see the best in people. At least I can cross constant disappointment off the list of things that make me sad and pissed off.

My constant respite these past few months where I haven't felt like crumbling is when I'm calling the lagoon show. Because for 4 minutes and 52 seconds, it's just me standing under the night sky watching pretty sparkly fireworks brighten up the dark in all sorts of shapes, sizes and colours. For 4 minutes and 52 seconds, the only thing I have to do is enjoy the thrill of seeing bright lights burst into glory, shine and shimmer and sparkle. And it gives me such a rush that even after the last spark has faded away, I can still smile and think, it's not so bad after all.

Of course, in the morning (or even just 10 minutes later), it all comes crashing back down to the ground. But at least I'll always have 4:52.