is it faith or trust
or something in between
broken
with a finger snap
a quiet breath
a whispered word
a hidden thought
from the depths of your soul
there are no truths
only golden lies told with sincerity
breaking down all defenses
until there's nothing left
but an empty shell

4:52

Seriously. I'm tired of being mad and sad all the time. I keep telling myself that I've done what I can, and that there are things out of my control, so I just need to accept, adapt, and carry on. But everyday is starting to feel like another battle in the perpetual war that has become my life. Somehow it feels like I just can't seem to ever catch a break from anyone or anything. We've been playing the catch-up game for over a year now. Why doesn't this ever stop? I'm sick and tired of trying to get the people around me to pull their weight. If you can't do it, then stop pretending you can. I admit that I've got a streak of perfectionism in me. I like things done fast, but I like them done right. So call me anal retentive or obsessive compulsive, but if you're not gonna do things properly, then I will damn well do it. It's my ass on the line too. Don't lie to my face and act as if you're doing a shitload of things. Take my plate and let's see if you can handle it. I'm thisclose to simply dusting my hands off and walking away without a care in the world just to see what's the aftermath.

And on the other side of my life, I'm so freaking tired of being the one who always has to be strong, the one who's always there. I always filter and edit the things I say because, let's face it, you're simply not strong enough to handle me. Sometimes I wish I could be brutally honest and tell you what I think. But even though I'm a bitch and a half, I don't like being mean. I just wish you'd realize one very simple truth: Your life isn't perfect, but neither is mine. Just for once could you give a damn about someone other than yourself. I've already said I'm pissed and tired. All I really want is someone to tell me it'll be okay. That I'm not alone. That someone gives a shit. Instead literally five seconds later you're talking about yourself and your life and how you feel. Do you honestly think I can listen to your problems when I'm trying to stop my own tears? I say I'm fine, it's okay because I know life isn't easy and I don't like to add on to yours. Sometimes I say it because I'm trying to convince myself it's true. But really, it's all lies. I'm not fine. It's not okay. I'm unhappy and angry and so fucking drained it's killing me slowly but surely.

I'm so tired of pasting a smile on my face every single day and pretending that I've got a handle of things when in reality I'm five seconds away from losing my shit. Honestly, I think I really have to learn to just stop expecting anything from anyone. Just shut down, stop caring, stop hoping it'll get better, stop expecting to see the best in people. At least I can cross constant disappointment off the list of things that make me sad and pissed off.

My constant respite these past few months where I haven't felt like crumbling is when I'm calling the lagoon show. Because for 4 minutes and 52 seconds, it's just me standing under the night sky watching pretty sparkly fireworks brighten up the dark in all sorts of shapes, sizes and colours. For 4 minutes and 52 seconds, the only thing I have to do is enjoy the thrill of seeing bright lights burst into glory, shine and shimmer and sparkle. And it gives me such a rush that even after the last spark has faded away, I can still smile and think, it's not so bad after all.

Of course, in the morning (or even just 10 minutes later), it all comes crashing back down to the ground. But at least I'll always have 4:52.

what a difference a year makes.

I was going through my old emails when I stumbled on a short write-up I did for Van about work. It was written exactly a year ago in April 2010, back when we were just opening. Reading it now almost feels like someone else wrote it. I can barely recognize that idealistic, hopeful, happy person who wrote that. It actually startled me to realize how much I've changed in a year. I can look back and see how I've grown into my job, and the confidence I have now that I was lacking then. It's actually mildly amusing to realize a whole team of company managers have been hired to do what the stage managers were doing for the better part of a year in addition to our own workload.

On the flip side, it's become entirely too clear how jaded and cynical I've become. I used to try to be understanding and sympathetic to situations. These days I just feel too damn tired to bother going the extra mile, especially when all the effort is on my part and no one else gives a crap. I have less patience with whiners - well, with anyone really. I'm at the point where I'm too tired and too drained to care anymore. And it honestly doesn't help to get bitchy complaints or snarky comments on a freaking daily basis.

That's actually the one thing I've really grown to hate about my job. Having to be the diplomatic peacemaker that brokers deals and strokes egos. It's such a lie, and it's everyday and everything I do. Even if it's something as simple as answering a phone call. We can look at our caller ID and grumble, "Shit, not again, what now", but when we answer the call, we say "Hello!" with a disposition as sunny as a Hawaiian beach. And the time between "Shit" and "Hello" is literally a split second. See me answer a work call and you'll know how fast I can paste on the Friendly Neighbourhood Stage Manager face. It's so exhausting to constantly have to stick this face on and not snap. I can already see the cracks in the mask when my impatience or frustration slips through, and I have to struggle to pull it back in. But I'd rather have that momentary struggle than to totally lose my shit, then spend even more time on damage control.

Honestly, I just want a break. A few days away where I can just be myself, do whatever the hell I want, and not have to care about how someone else thinks or feels. I can't believe how difficult it is for me to get two straight days off from work. Come to think of it, I can't even remember the last time I had an off day that was completely work-free. As in, no texts, no calls, no urgent emails which require an immediate response or the sky will fall. Or if the day will come when I actually run out of leave. No, seriously, I have worked so many extra days I actually have 50+ days of leave to clear. I could take close to 3 months of vacation with that leave, except I don't even have the time to take an extra day off a week.

I really want to stop being cranky and tired and burned out all the time. Sighs. If only I could be April 2010 me again.

I hope my smile can distract you
I hope my fists can fight for two
So it never has to show
And you'll never know

I hope my love can blind you
I hope my arms can bind you
So you'll never have to see
What we've grown to be

One may think we're alright
But we need pills to sleep at night
We need lies to make it through the day
We're not okay

One may think we're doing fine
But if I had to lay it on the line
We're losing ground with every passing day
We're not okay

But that's one thing I would never say to you

pills
the perishers

anything less than "i love you" is lying

Now that we are over as the loving kind
We'll be dreaming ways to keep the good alive
Only when we want is not a compromise
I'd be pouring tears into your drying eyes

Friends, lovers or nothing
There can only be one
Friends, lovers or nothing
There'll never be an in-between so give it up

You whisper "Come on over" 'cause you're two drinks in
But in the morning I will say goodbye again
Think we'll never fall into the jealous game?
The streets all flood with blood of those who felt the same

Friends, lovers or nothing
We can really only every be one
Friends, lovers or nothing
We'll never be the in-between so give it up

Anything other than yes is no
Anything other than stay is go
Anything less than "I love you" is lying

friends, lovers or nothing
john mayer
battle studies

And it's not just a game, you can't throw me away
I put all I had on the line
And I give and you take and I played the high stakes
I've won and I've lost but I'm fine

Hear me say I'll rise up till the end
Hear me say I'll stand up for my friends
And I crash to the ground and it's just my own sound
I drop in a blink of an eye
I'm color blind

And your milky way fight won't stop my delight
You keep me and lock me away
And it's dark and it's bright
It's your colorful pride that kept me here 9000 days

Hear me say I'll see the sky again
Hear me say I'll die for you my friend
There's a noise in the crowd but it's just my own shout
I stumble, I fall and I pray

I hear you say your eyes see green again
In the end we'll lift our golden hands
Yes, we'll spark you and I
We'll be color blind
And these are the lives we gave

Hear me say I'll rise up 'til the end
Hear me say that I'll stand beside my friends
I won't stay on the floor
I will settle the score
I stumble, I fall and I pray

Hear me say it's time we stopped our hate
Eye to eye we see a different fate
Yes we've conquered the war
With love at the core
I stumble, I fall, but I'll stay
Color blind.

colorblind
overtone
invictus

I feel like I'm constantly playing with fire. Every time I touch the flame it burns hot and bright and I more than willingly fall in. But when the fire dies out and the burn fades, I can't help but wonder where this is going, and how long it'll last before we get to the point where there's no going back and all that's left is scattered ashes in the wind.